Relationship Clarity for Emotional Wellness

Relationship Clarity for Emotional Wellness

 
Our first speaker is sharing her experiences with overcoming fear, making time for Self, and steps for creating and sustaining healthy relationships.

Monique’s mission: To build a platform for women who are seeking to create and sustain healthy relationships, by way of accessing life-tracking tools, resources, clarity sessions (with me), engaging in honest dialogue and much more.

I’m fortunate to have both a personal and professional relationship with Monique, and I can tell you first-hand that she lives what she teaches.

Join Monique on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/simplyblissliving
Tweet with Monique at https://twitter.com/simplyblisslife
Follow Monique (and all our speakers) using the hashtag #LifeJuice

Click the video to watch, listen, and engage:

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  • http://www.facebook.com/takeyah.young Takeyah Young

    “Do it scared” definitely resonated with me. I definitely believe that, like stress, fear is something that we ALL have. I find it more self-preserving + health supportive to embrace it and use my energy to work with it. Kiss it in the mouth, instead of fighting it. Standing still is a decision within itself. So my intention, when I experience fear, is to make a conscious decision about it.

  • Larie

    Good advice on the getting alone and journaling.

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    Katrina,
    I also wanted to say that I admire the compassion you have for your mother. I’m now starting to do the same with my mother. I got so lost in what I felt she didn’t teach me, that I didn’t show her any compassion for the mistreatment she went through growing up.

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    Katrina, thank you so much for sharing your story and as you see we all have things we have/had to process with our mothers too. I’m glad that you have gained that understanding, but I know that it can be draining in so many ways. My hope for you is that the mourning process is the start of a healing process. Sending virtual hugs your way…

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    That’s good that you came to that conclusion in order to move forward.

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    It’s not too much to expect Cortney but realizing that your mom can’t fulfill your expectation when it comes to sharing her experience. For her it’s bigger than I should be able to talk about this with my daughter, it’s probably too much for her to deal with emotionally. It’s not personal, she is being the best person she chooses to be or that she is only really capable of being. You said in order for you to really understand her, you need to get pass a certain step, but it’s probably not for you to understand but just know that she had an experience that’s too hard for her to talk about. If you wait for that step and she never shares her story with you, you will forever hold on to that and you never know what emotional blockage that can cause in your life. It’s all a process but possible to heal from.

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    You’re welcome November! That’s so good that you recognize where the relationship is broken and even though you can’t mend it with your mother, you are conscious of not creating that same experience for your children. They are blessed to have you parenting with that in mind. I too practice conscious parenting with my son and it feels much better that trying to act like I’m perfect because I’m a mom. I don’t believe that having a title gives anyone the right to mistreat others. I don’t care if your a mother, sister, husband etc… although they’ve earned those titles, it doesn’t give them the right to behave in a way as they own you. I happy to hear that you have gained clarity with who you are as a parent.

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    It was an aha moment for me too Cortney. I happy that this dialogue is creating a space for us to find other ways to process our relationship with our mothers.

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    Thank you Cortney!

  • Katrina M Harrell

    YES love all of this! I agree and have the same thinking/belief and no longer struggle with this understanding. As I shared extensively below – I’m not in space of not understanding this – I live this and practice this. It’s the harsh reality though that in the midst of my knowledge – “She knows different now and she shows it” is not happening therefore I’m in the process of Letting go of the hope it will change and that is a mourning process for me. :-)

  • Katrina M Harrell

    (Posted by Katrina aka “November”)

    I agree Cortney! For me in alot of things if I don’t “feel it” than it’s not real for me. Seeing isn’t beleiving “feeling” is believing. So I get you. My mom doesn’t come from that school of talking things through – she comes from the school of “doing” only so respect is actions, not feelings. It’s what you do for another person and how you show up. I realize our moms love us the same way we love our kids. they are human and people. It’s the harsh reality though that for some humans, they hide behind their personalities to face the need to adjust in life. We on the other end have the BLESSING of having been rasied by such powerful strong women who fought like hell for us to be FREE today :-) and have an opinion and to be in a place where we can speak freely and make different choices. MAN that is a blessing.

    I think you can understand her experience without feeling it by feeling your own experience. I cry for my mom alot b/c I feel her pain and regrets. But I had to learn I can’t allow her to live my life though. so mourning the consequence of that hurts.

  • November

    Monique. I work on that daily. I’ve truly try to ensure my kids don’t experience what I have as an adult with my mother and even as a child. I want them to see a HUMAN who makes mistakes, understands how to apologize and who works on her own personality flaws openly and without excuse.

    I hared my story before with others who thought it was ok for them to give me a tongue -lashing for having the audacity to speak about my mother in this way saying that “she deserves respect, she gave birth to you” etc etc. I have nothing but respect for her. In fact I asked her have I ever disrespected her and she said “no” but still feels I don’t respect her enough. So I see clearly that as a mom myself, I am charged to be more than a caregiver and nurturer, I have to be a REFLECTION.

    Thank you for sharing your light Monique!

  • November

    Thank you ladies for chiming in and sharing! I have to say to “guest” that everything you’ve said is spot on. I’ve done the hard work of breaking down the “who what and why” and have seen that she is a woman who has pain and life struggles that have nothing to do with me. So have adjusted our relationship to honor her journey while respecting my own. I realize and pray for her DAILY that healing can enter her life as she is a woman who has been hurt by the world around her. She only wants the best for me but struggles on how to do that and won’t allow me to assist her because she’s “MOM” (title first according to her) That is a liberating revelation. I’m at peace with this and live in peace even with the fact that we don’t have a traditional “relationship”

    However the undercurrent of still being a human girl who still “wants her momma” rest in the reality that my mother doesn’t want a relationship – she wants control.- she wants title “momma” to before relationship. So it shows up in complete disrespect to my being (emotional abuse). The harshes part of this is that she blames the entire world for why none of her relationships work. Intellectually, I understand what is going on so I’ve done the process of healing my myself and breaking the pattern with my own children. But it saddens me that in the process of letting go I’ve also developed a sense of “mourning” the lost of hope that I’ll ever have a relationship with my mother. That little girl in me is mourning that while the adult me understand and is at complete peace with that (and moving along with life with nothing but complete love, respect and gratitude for her mother – she is every thing Good about her mother :-) that makes me proud and thankful for our journey together so no hurt).

    I speaking to still that feeling that goes past the intellectual reasoning we’ve all shared above. BEYOND that – the process of letting go of HOPE hurts like hell :-).

    Thank you loves for allowing me to share my heart :-)!

  • http://lovesgumbo.com Brooke @ LovesGumbo.com

    My mom is just the opposite, she rehearses every single hardship, slight, difficulty, and she can’t seem to see her way out of it. She retells hurtful stories from when she was 6 years old (67 years ago). We’ve been relating to each other as women for many years now. I try to give her tips on how to release pasts hurts, but she thinks she has already. Sometimes it’s like having a difficult conversation with a friend, but knowing she will have to “get” the lesson. It’s not up to me to live her life or to make her choices, and I made it clear long ago that I will live my own life with or without her approval.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002056873503 Cortney Ren’ae

    So loving what you are giving women Monique! I’m proud and oh so thankful for our connection and partnership! I love you like a sister and pray for you to continuously Flourishe on your journey!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002056873503 Cortney Ren’ae

    Oh I understand….but yup once you get going, it’s what I call GAME TIME!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002056873503 Cortney Ren’ae

    One of my fans too @lovesgumbo:disqus !

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002056873503 Cortney Ren’ae

    Oh yes….wow, she can’t care for me in such a way she wasn’t. How can I ever expect that? One of the things that stands out is me knowing the struggles my mom faced, I want to talk about and learn to understand how her experience shaped her thoughts and feelings. But it’s just such an uncomfortable thing, not for me necessarily but I can feel how uncomfortable it is for her….like REALLY FEEL IT! I wasn’t raised to talk about uncomfortable things, we sort of just acted like they didn’t exist and smile like everything was all peachy. That’s a step I feel we need to get by before I can really see myself really understanding her experience, because I feel like I’m the type that really needs to FEEL to get it. Is that too much to expect?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002056873503 Cortney Ren’ae

    This is the my first time hearing this and now I actually am too understanding this to be so very important! Wow, I’m trippin out over here! I so needed to hear this for my very own experience!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002056873503 Cortney Ren’ae

    Oh yes Akilah you said it! Women first….Mothers second!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002056873503 Cortney Ren’ae

    Great question November!

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    Yes Ivy! I am the same way. I talk myself out of making moves. The fear won’t go away until you can put faith in it’s place. AND if we don’t get pass the fear we will just be stuck in it and our lives will never change.

  • http://www.IvyLaArtista.com/blog Ivy LaArtista

    Monique! I heard my story in your video. I am VERY cerebral, so I am faced with the challenge to NOT over-think myself into fear. I will reach a thought or idea and be initially excited about it, but then I began to OVER-think it and fear will set in. So I definitely relate to fear being an emotional challenge. What I hear from you is that I don’t have to WAIT for the fear to subside, before making progress. I can get going and most times it goes away anyways once I start moving. Thank you!

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    I’ve had to check myself on that one several times.

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    Yes Brooke! that was such a tough lesson for me to learn, but I’m glad that I had enough courage to do it scared.

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    I struggled with that until someone shared that thought process with me and I finally got it…our mothers ARE women first. That’s who they were before they had children. Here I am, now a mother and would definitely like for my son to see me more than just a mother, because we are surely more than that.

  • http://www.execumama.com/ Execumama

    I’m such a huge fan of that particular logic too, Brooke! It’s wonderful how fear can cower in the face of action.

  • http://lovesgumbo.com Brooke @ LovesGumbo.com

    I love that you said “do it scared!” That is the very definition of courage! Having fear, but doing it anyway!

  • http://www.execumama.com/ Execumama

    It’s so encouraging to hear how women have learned to view mothers as women first, and mothers second. That particular realization was a major part of the healing process between my mother and me. I’m glad November asked, and I’m even more glad Monique shared!

  • http://www.execumama.com/ Execumama

    “Get out of a defensive mode. Work on how you respond to unhealthy patterns.” That’s the @simplyblisslife approach to emotional wellness. #LifeJuice

  • http://simplyblisslife.com/ Monique Halley

    Hello November!

    Our relationships with our mothers are so important and we should always seek ways to make it a healthy one, when the situation allows.

    It all depends on what’s causing the relationship to be unhealthy. I would need more details on the specifics situation in order to give you a more personalize response. But I would say, take sometime to examine what situations/words etc… triggers unhealthy behaviors from either person so you can see the patterns. Then refrain from sparking or engaging in those triggers. In regards to finding peace, you have to be honest about how you’ve contributed to the problem as well as accept responsibility for your actions , intentional or otherwise. Once your at that place, you can get out of a defensive mode and work on how you respond to the unhealthy patterns in a more humble approach. Once you owned your role in it, there’s nothing else to argue about because you’ve taken responsibility. You also have to look at the expectations you have of your mother and determine if they are realistic according to what you know she is truly capable of. Because if you continue to expect for her to behave in a way that demonstrates she can have a healthy relationships and she does opposite of that, you will always be disappointed.

    Personally I’ve had to adjust my way of relating to my mother in order for us to have a healthy relationship as well. One of the things I had to come to terms with, was she did the best she knew how when she raised me. She couldn’t care for me in a way she wasn’t cared for, because she just didn’t know how. She was in survival mode and the basic necessities was all she was capable of offering me. She knows different now and she shows it.

    To Your Clarity + Bliss,

  • Guest

    Hello November!

    Our relationships with our mothers are so important and we should always seek ways to make it a healthy one, when the situation allows.

    It all depends on what’s causing the relationship to be unhealthy. I would need more details on the specifics situation in order to give you a more personalize response. But I would say, take sometime to examine what situations/words etc… triggers unhealthy behaviors from either person so you can see the patterns. Then refrain from sparking or engaging in those triggers. In regards to finding peace, you have to be honest about how you’ve contributed to the problem as well as accept responsibility for your actions , intentional or otherwise. Once your at that place, you can get out of a defensive mode and work on how you respond to the unhealthy patterns in a more humble approach. Once you owned your role in it, there’s nothing else to argue about because you’ve taken responsibility. You also have to look at the expectations you have of your mother and determine if they are realistic according to what you know she is truly capable of. Because if you continue to expect for her to behave in a way that demonstrates she can have a healthy relationships and she does opposite of that, you will always be disappointed.

    Personally I’ve had to adjust my way of relating to my mother in order for us to have a healthy relationship as well. One of the things I had to come to terms with, was she did the best she knew how when she raised me. She couldn’t care for me in a way she wasn’t cared for, because she just didn’t know how. She was in survival mode and the basic necessities was all she was capable of offering me. She knows different now and she shows it.

    To Your Clarity + Bliss,

  • November

    Monique – regarding being in a unhealthy relationship. How do you address a relationship that is a mother daughter relationship that is unhealthy? What is 1 way to find “peace” in the midst of challenges.